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Forever alone. Still haven't figured out the point. No family, no god, no girl, so what can you make of a world where no one knows you? And if none will ever see past the surface then how does it matter what choices you make in life to better yourself? If I take my identity to my grave, then my existence has been pointless. It's the same as what I see in your eyes and everyone else's around me. Beauty raped and scarred. Good intentions wasted. And so I continue to wake up and go to sleep, go to a job that I hate, and come home to do things that don't make me happy, and why do I do this? Because this life, as sad and pointless as it is, is all we have before we fade away and are forgotten. I know this to be true, but I swear I will never accept it. Nov. '04 Harrison, AK
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July '03
...with the exception of living in Virginia, my life has gotten progressively more boring and worse.From my experience, though, that's how life goes. I don't know how many times I've thought to myself, "things can't get any worse", right before everything got worse.There's no such thing as hitting the rock bottom.It always goes lower.Most recently, I moved in with my friend and his dad, until me and my friend got enough for an apartment.I became good friends with his dad, and hung out with him all the time.And then, on the way back from playing pool one night, we got in a car accident and I saw him die.My left hand is now mangled, and in this past month, hasn't gotten any better at all. I can't play guitar anymore, or do alot of stuff.About two weeks ago my friend Ryan drove to the end of a street, parked the car, and shot himself. He was like most people are right before killing themselves: a work of art that nobody ever saw.And I envy him.He never has to feel anything again. And my life is getting nowhere. I've genuinely reached the point that I've given up on girls and relationships. After holding out longer than I could've anticipated, I finally reached the last straw and broke. I can't even make myself trust a girl, and I don't believe in love anymore, though I WISH it were real.I have nothing left to give, and I'm too weak to keep going trying to find love. I have virtually no innocence left. And anything pure about me chooses to remain hidden. No matter how hard I try not to, I get the feeling that I only come off as selfish, cold, and ordinary. Fake. My good friends, who I love and care about, seem to do nothing but destroy everything good about themselves by the choices they make. I can't imagine how most people make it to old age without killing themselves. But then again, most people are cold and unfeeling. They can taste true feelings, but never live with them, because they never put their heart into anything they do. |
My friend Tara has a livejournal thingy in which she said you can ask her any 5 questions that she has to answer with complete honesty, and so I'm doing the same thing, just to be fair. Ask me any 5 questions and I'll answer them honestly, but if you ask me questions, you have to do the same and post the same offer on whatever webpage/livejournal/facethejury you have. Use the guestbook for questions and answers. Add "/fsguest.html" to the end of this website address to sign, or "/fsguestbook.html" to view. e.g. http://youreaweener.freeservers.com/fsguest.html By the way, I just noticed how long I've had this webpage. I created it 4 1/2 years ago.
Check the What's New page. I just added it (10/9/03) as an update for all my long-distance friends (who I haven't heard from in ages) who have no idea how I'm doing anymore. I miss you bastards.
Tried updating 11/04, but hit the wrong button and the whole paragraph I typed dissapeared into thin air. Now I don't feel like typing it again. In short, me and Jess are through. Nothing left for me in Florida. In Arkansas now, but only temporarily. Where to next only time can tell.
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